Too Much
by bandtogetherandfight
Summary: Jesse and Rachel meet again at Shelby's funeral.
1. Chapter 1

Too Much

This was written really quickly because something just popped into my head.

Rachel's declaration last night of "I've never been this happy" felt like an insult to St. Berry. So I had to write.

Rachel felt like she was living in a soap opera. She never thought that things this dramatic and sad happened in real life. Just as she was beginning to build a solid relationship with her mother through weekly coffee dates, shopping trips, and frequent phone calls, someone had decided that it was enough. Those two years were all she was going to get. Ever.

Shelby was killed in a freak accident on a rainy Ohio highway late at night. Hydroplaning. Spinning. Crashing. Death.

Luckily, Beth had been left at home with the nanny, all safe and warm from the rain. Her mother had taken a well-deserved night off to celebrate the end of the school year. It was summer, and finally she would be free.

Shelby and Rachel had made big plans for the summer. Shelby was going to help her go shopping for all the stuff Rachel needed for her dorm room in the fall. Even if Rachel had two gay dads who doted on her and spoiled her, nothing compared to shopping with your mother.

But now Rachel was at the funeral, feeling very out of place. Not many people knew about Shelby's "other" daughter. Though Shelby was proud of her and told her often, they had never really opened their relationship up to anyone else. What they had built was personal and fragile, and quite hard to explain. So she stands there unknown to almost no one, ironically the only blood relative in the room.

She chides herself for not realizing that he would be there. He's front and center, as he always is. But this time, he's sharing the spotlight. He's holding Beth, and Rachel can see that her head is against his shoulder. She's quiet, but every once in a while, Jesse leans down to kiss her cheek, rub her hair or mumble something to her.

Rachel doesn't really have a relationship with Beth. Shelby would mention her from time to time in their conversations, but Rachel guesses that Shelby understood that she was a bit awkward around Beth (she was the daughter of her sworn enemy and tormenter after all). She wasn't quite a sister, but Rachel assumed that with time, as her and Shelby's relationship grew, that she would come to know her and love the baby as well. But time, it seemed, had been robbed from them and Rachel wasn't sure what the future held.

She hadn't spoken to Jesse since he left for college. She had no idea that Shelby and Jesse had maintained any sort of relationship, and again, Shelby knew better than to mention him.

He had been the casualty to developing her relationship with Shelby. After an initial apology, she and Shelby never talked about the means, the boy, that brought them together and, on her part, Rachel never let on how much both of them had hurt her.

Looking at him now in the chapel, she doesn't feel hurt. Frankly, she can't even remember half the things that she used to be so angry about. More important things have washed them from her mind.

The service is short, and somewhat impersonal. Except for Rachel and Beth, Shelby has no living relatives. The Carmel principal delivers the eulogy, which sounds like he wrote it from some internet how to guide. Rachel feels a sting of annoyance until she realizes that she couldn't have done it better, she didn't know Shelby well enough either.

At the end of the service, a man touches her shoulder, and asks her to come with him into one of the church's inner offices. On their way there, he calls Jesse over too. Jesse hands Beth to one of the older Carmel teachers, and follows them.

The man, a lawyer it seems, explains that Shelby left everything in her name to Beth, and a sizeable sum to Rachel. The last part is the kicker: in the event of her death, she left custody of Beth to Jesse. Seeing the look on Jesse's face, the lawyer starts to rationalize, saying how Shelby described Jesse as a son, how she knew that he loved the baby, and how he was the only one that she would trust who was over 18 at the time she wrote the will. She never expected to die this young. She didn't know that Jesse would actually be raising her child. The will also makes a special plea for Rachel to have a role in her sister's life, a role that Shelby never got to play for Rachel.

They are both in shock and they sit there in silence for a long time after the lawyer leaves. The elder teacher walks in to hand Beth back to Jesse, as there is no one else willing to take her. The little girl mentions that she is hungry, and this is what snaps Jesse back into reality. He kisses the top of Beth's head and asks Rachel if she would like to get something to eat.

They go to IHOP where they all eat pancakes, even though it's nearing 6pm. Beth and Jesse talk to each other in short almost nonsensical sentences, and he manages to make Beth giggle. Rachel is silent for the whole meal and doesn't even look up when Beth asks where her mommy is. Jesse pays the bill, and all three of them get back into the car and leave.

Without discussion, he drives to Shelby's and for the first time Rachel realizes that he has been driving Shelby's car with Beth's car seat in the back. His Range Rover is parked in Shelby's small driveway. Beth is practically asleep at this point, so Jesse changes her into her pajamas, brushes her teeth, and tucks her into her crib.

When he joins Rachel on the couch, she realizes that she hasn't said a word to him in 2 years and she doesn't know where to start. He grabs her hand, and holds it, his thumb rubbing circles on the top.

It's a long time before he speaks.

"Rach, I need you to tell me what to do."

"What?" She's pretty sure she sounds annoyed, even if she isn't. Mostly she's just confused.

"I've got school and I want to do something with my life and I can't be her dad or whatever, but she's so little and who else has she got? My father practically abandoned me to be raised by nannies and I won't do that to her. Shelby would have hated that."

She's pretty sure that he is crying, but she doesn't want to look at him to confirm it.

"I don't know what to say." She has no clue. She's searching her brain for this to all make sense and it doesn't.

He doesn't seem to care she doesn't know what to say.

"She always asks too much of me. First with getting close to you just to play you that damn tape, and then making me leave to go back to Vocal Adrenaline. And now with this, with Beth. How in the hell am I supposed to do this?"

He pauses, and the next sentence is almost a whisper.

"What if I end up hurting Beth like I hurt you?"

She looks at him. She can see the tears in his eyes. He looks down.

"She's never around to help me pick up the pieces after her damn plans ruin my life."

She takes his face in her hands, kisses his cheek.

She's not sure where this monologue is coming from, but she begins to babble.

"It's okay, you know, to not have it all figured out. It's okay to need help. It's okay to take chances, even if there's hell to pay."

He actually smiles when he realizes that's she's quoting Celine Dion. She smiles back, but then he's kissing her, and her mouth becomes distracted.

He mumbles to her in between kisses. "Tell me you don't hate me."

"I don't hate you."

"I love you. I know you probably don't want to hear it, but…"

He trails off, still kissing her. She knows he loves her. Don't ask her how she knows, but she does.

And she knows that he needs her, and she thinks she needs him. They have a lot to get through together.


	2. Chapter 2

Later, Rachel feels a bit guilty that she didn't recognize her. Granted, she, until recently, plaued Nancy Drew on Broadway so she's had thousands of young girls line up for her autograph and tell her that she's their role model. Eventually, they all blend together.

Still, she should have recognized her own sister.

She recognizes the man standing behind the eight-year old first. Then it hits her who this little girl has to be. Beth.

Only, it's not Beth. The brown curls and green eyes are all too familiar to Rachel, but Beth introduces herself as Es. "It's actually Elizabeth," she explains as Rachel signs her cast album, "My full name is Elizabeth St. James so E and S are two of my initials. My name isn't really S."

Rachel can only nod. Beth, no, Es, is speaking a mile a minute and smiling from ear to ear. Rachel can usually match that energy, but she's slightly flabbergasted.

Jesse has a guiding hand on Es' shoulder. Rachel smiles meekly up at him, then quietly asks if he and Es would wait for her until after she finishes the album signing. He nods at her and she moves on to the next little girl.

After she signs an album for everyone in line and the manager of the bookstore thanks her for coming, she finds them in the in-store Starbucks. Jesse's reading Newsweek and Es seems to be doing her homework.

Es looks up from her math workbook with a huge smile. Rachel thinks it would be infectious under any other circumstances.

"Dad says he knows you from high school," Es says excitedly, "I can't believe he never told me that before! He's the worst dad ever."

"Ouch," Jesse jokes, closing the magazine, "I'll remember that the next time you ask me to do something on a school night."

Es sticks her tongue out at him, but instead of responding, he addresses Rachel. "Dinner?" he asks softly.

Es screams "Yes!" before Rachel can respond with "Sure."

They go to an Italian restaurant across the street and Es dominates the conversation, obviously enamored with Rachel. She asks Rachel about Broadway and New York, then tries to get her to tell embarrassing stories about Jesse in high school. There is an obvious one that comes to mind, but Rachel plays it safe, telling Es about Vocal Adrenaline and their theatrics. Es has already heard most of the stories from Jesse, so Rachel starts talking about New Directions and has Es squealing from her description of Dakota Stanley's first visit to McKinley.

Jesse quietly watches the two of them interact and pays the bill without Rachel noticing. During a natural lull in the conversation, he tells them that it's getting late and Es has school in the morning. He looks at Rachel, not Es, when he says this, and Rachel knows that he's telling her that the two of them will now get a chance to talk.

Rachel had told the manager back at the bookstore that she didn't need a cab, confident in the fact that Jesse would get her back to her hotel. There is no discussion when all three of them get into his car and he drives to their house. She is reminded of the night that they drove to Shelby's house from her funeral, the last time that she had seen Jesse or Beth (Es).

Of course, Es asks Rachel to sing for her before bed and Jesse pretends to be jealous as Es makes requests. Rachel laughs, but she can't help feeling in the back of her mind that this should all be more awkward than it is.

Finally, Es goes to bed and Jesse comes back to the living room to find that Rachel has raided his wine collection. She has poured them both a glass. She is holding hers as she looks at Es's pictures and his is waiting on top of the piano.

She turns when she hears him enter and raises her glass towards him. "I thought we could use this."

He looks amused but nods, retrieves his glass. They each sip their wine, thankful for the distraction. They have a thousand things to talk about and neither of them knows where to start. The last time they saw each other they were teenagers; now they are obviously so much more.

"Thanks for not telling her about the egging. I don't know what she would do if she found out that I did that to her idol." He says the last word dramatically and winks at her. She rolls her eyes back at him, but smiles. He's always known that was her dream.

"What do you do?" She hasn't thought about the question before now but it seems like an obvious one. He's clearly done okay for himself if the house is any indication, and from the little she knows about it, LA isn't exactly cheap.

"I used to write a column for the LA Times, and now I run a blog on LA music spots." He shrugs, qualifies that his work is "nothing major" but it allows him to work from home for the most part. "After all the time Es spent in daycare and with babysitters when I was in college, I figured I owed it to her."

Like it or not, he's broached the subject that they have both been tap dancing around.

"I was going to call," Rachel explains meekly, "As soon as I knew that I was coming to LA. I figured you were still here. I was just waiting to get settled. I wanted it to be the right time."

She knows that it's a bullshit answer. She really had intended to call, even before her move to LA, but every time she tried, something stopped her. She thinks now, looking at him, that it is guilt from the way she left things last time. She's feeling a very similar sensation at the moment.

"The right time? What does that mean Rachel?" His voice gets dangerously close to anger for a second, but then it's gone, probably mindful of the little girl that is sleeping down the hall. "Forget it," he concludes.

"You should be angry," she encourages, because he should be. They both know it. He had told her that he loved her and for a night they had shared the burden of Beth (Es). But, in those early morning hours, lying next to him as he slept for the first time in days, she remained awake. The reality of what he and Shelby were asking came crashing down on her. She had slipped quietly out of bed and left, never looking back.

"You could have at least woken me up and told me to my face that you were leaving."

She sits down on the stool by the piano and plays with the hem of her blouse. "I was still with Finn, Jesse. We shouldn't have … I shouldn't have..." she breathes out slowly, "It was all too much, too soon. I had just gotten to know Shelby and then she was gone. I couldn't handle Es too."

He nods and she can tell he understands, and that, on some level, he has always understood. He, of all people, knows exactly how difficult what he was asking from her that night is.

"She's incredible, Jesse," she praises. She wipes tears from her eyes. "You're doing such a good job with her. You're an amazing father."

He wipes at his eyes then sits down on the couch and she leaves the piano to join him. He confesses to her how guilty he had felt when he adopted her, when she started to call him daddy because that was how the people at her daycare referred to him, how he had inadvertently changed her name when he had taught her to sound out letters and her initials were all she would answer to. It's almost as if he's been cataloging everything, waiting six years to tell it all to her.

"You have every right to hate me," she tells him.

"I don't hate you." They both realize at the same time that she had said the exact same thing to him six years ago.

It's a different couch and a different time, but then they are kissing again. When he grabs her hand to lead her to his bedroom, it doesn't cross his mind, though it should, whether she will be there in the morning.

_**Thoughts? This may be my new chapter fic after Campus Visit ends. **_


	3. Chapter 3

I.

She stops them this time.

"We shouldn't," she murmurs, reaching up to kiss him at the same time the words are leaving her mouth.

He pretends not to hear her until her hands are pushing at his chest to keep him away. Finally, he stops.

They're standing in his bedroom at this point, both breathing heavily with fingers grasping at each other's clothes.

"Are you still with Finn?" he questions mischievously, knowing very well the answer.

She lets out a laugh that's almost too loud, tilting her head back in the process. "No. Definitely not."

He smiles at her and kisses her squarely on the forehead before walking towards the nightstand and his cellphone. "I'll call you a cab."

"Wait," she protests, pulling him back to her by the hand. When he's facing her again she smiles, shoots him a playful glare. "Geez, Jesse. Is it put out or get out with you?"

He grins sheepishly and tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. "I just thought," he begins.

"I'd like to stay, if that's okay," she interrupts, "I just think that we should talk some more before…"

He nods and turns away from her again, this time opening the top drawer of his dresser and reaching for a t-shirt and a clean pair of boxers before handing them to her.

"There are extra toothbrushes under the sink," he explains, gesturing with his chin towards his bathroom.

When she returns, dressed in his clothes, he has changed too and is sitting in the chaise lounge flipping through the channels.

"It's been a long time since I brushed my teeth with a purple sparkle toothbrush," she says, smiling.

She dumps her clothes on the chair by the desk and makes her way over to him, sitting by his feet on the chaise.

"Does she know about Shelby?"

Jesse nods. "She knows that her mom died when she was two and that she asked me to take care of her. I've never told her about her birth parents, though. I know she'll start asking more questions soon but I'm not sure how to explain to an eight-year-old that she was adopted twice."

"You could tell her that she is the luckiest little girl in the world."

She motions for him to make room for her next to him, and, when he does, she curls up against him in the chair.

"You never told her about me," she almost whispers. It's a statement, not a question.

"I've thought about it," he answers truthfully, "But I didn't know what to say."

"I'd like to get to know her better," Rachel states cautiously, shifting slightly so that she can read the reaction on his face.

"How long are you planning on being in LA?"

She bristles at his practical question. She knows where his mind is going and she hates him for assuming that she means this as a temporary thing, that she'll just up and leave Es after making some sort of connection with her.

She hates even more that her track record where they are concerned proves him right.

"A while," she answers vaguely, "Kurt managed to get me an apartment in his building on Malibu. I'm thinking of doing some guest spots, maybe some small concerts. I needed a change."

"Sounds like fun."

She hasn't seen him in years, but she knows him well enough to hear the slight mocking in his tone.

She gets up from the chair. He knows her too, and he can tell that he has hurt her.

"I was seventeen and you were asking me to be her mother, Jesse. You don't get to hold that against me forever. I won't just walk away."

"Again," he adds, unable to help himself.

She glares at him. "Then why am I here? Why did you bring her to that signing tonight? I thought that this meant you were willing to let me back into your life."

"I can't risk any upheaval in her life. If you're doing this, you have to be sure, Rachel. She's not two anymore. She'll remember everything this time."

"Okay," she concedes, trying to diminish the heightening tension in the room. "I really want to do this. I want to get to know my little sister."

He drops his head and quirks a smile, not the reaction she was expecting. "What?" she questions him, not quite managing to hide her own smile at his cute reaction.

"Nothing," he says, shaking his head, "It's just hearing you call her your little sister makes this," he motions between the two of them, "it just seems a little, I don't know … illicit?"

She laughs. "I didn't think about that. It is sort of odd."

"And what about me?" he asks in a mock wounded tone, "Are you at all interested in spending time with _me_?"

She nods her head and plays with the hem of her t-shirt. "I missed you."

They talk some more. He brushes over her attempts to find out more about his life, complaining about the monotony of PTA meetings and soccer practices. He begs her to dish on the exciting life of Broadway and fame, so she indulges him, giving him the inside scoop on some sensational stories, most of which had been successfully kept out of the media.

After being completely open about his almost complete lack of relationships in the last six years, he questions her about her past boyfriends, a topic she's been trying to avoid all night. He realizes he's probably hit a nerve when she forces a yawn and tells him that it's three hours later in New York and way past her bedtime.

He turns off the light and draws her over to his side of the bed, threading his arms around her waist. She reaches down and links fingers with him.

"I'm not going anywhere," she promises.

II.

The next day, she meets Kurt at his apartment and watches as he unpacks his suitcase. She's waiting for his former neighbor to drop off the key to her new sublet.

Kurt has just returned from a short trip to Ohio where one of his cousins on his mom's side of the family got married. Her dads moved to Manhattan a couple of years ago and Kurt is one of the few people she keeps in touch with from high school, so she (thankfully) hasn't had much reason to go back to Lima recently.

When she asks him how Lima was, Kurt responds, "Finn says hi," and Rachel rolls her eyes.

"How was your time in LA without me? Wasn't the Apricot hotel fabulous?" Kurt's fashion designer boss had paid for him to spend a week there when he initially moved to LA six months ago, before he found his apartment, and the minute Rachel had told him that she was coming to join him, he had made a reservation in her name for the night he wouldn't be in town.

"I wouldn't know," Rachel answers cryptically, awaiting his reaction to her words. She doesn't have to wait long. He turns so fast, his hair lifts a bit with the force.

"Pray tell, diva. Did you bed some handsome Hollywood star?"

"No. I spent the night with Jesse."

"Who is Jesse?"

"Jesse St. James. My ex-boyfriend Jesse St. James. Vocal Adrenaline. Sophomore year. Remember?"

"Vaguely. Didn't he throw eggs at you?"

Kurt sounds as if he is really struggling to remember. Rachel is not surprised. Once she and Finn had started dating, she had buried everything about Jesse in the back of her mind, and never spoke about him with anyone, not even her new best friend. Then Shelby's funeral happened, and she hadn't spoken of that night with anyone ever. Sometimes, in her darkest moments, she had even managed to convince herself that Jesse and Beth had existed only in her head.

"Why on earth would you go see him? Is he famous now or something?"

She knew it was time to fill her best friend in on all that she had neglected to tell him in the last six years. If she is going to be a part of Es and Jesse's lives, then all this has to be in the open.

Kurt looks as if he doesn't recognize her when she finishes telling him the story. He sits on his bed and folds his hands in his lap. "I have a multitude of questions."

"Shoot," she replies.

"You cheated on Finn with him, and then left him to raise Puck and Quinn's daughter, and now you want to play house with them after six years."

"That wasn't a question."

Kurt fixes her with an angry stare. "This is ludicrous, Rachel! I know you've been resisting these last couple of months, but I really do think you need to see a therapist."

"I'm fine, Kurt. I think that this is exactly what I need."

"Did you tell him about Tyler?"

Kurt interprets her silence, rightly, as "no."

He looks like he is going to chastise her some more, but Rachel beats him to the punch, "There's no reason for him to know."


	4. Chapter 4

_**I've decided to fast forward this story so that I can focus on Campus Visit and Charades. Too Much will likely only have a couple of chapters left.**_

She spends the next two weeks personalizing her sublet, buying framed copies of posters she already has in New York and building an Ikea bookcase she really doesn't need.

She includes Es in most of her decorating choices and shopping trips, and it's the perfect sister bonding opportunity, except that Es doesn't actually know that Rachel is her sister.

All that is going to change on Saturday, when she has the official unveiling and Es and Jesse will see the completed apartment for the first time.

She and Jesse have decided that it will be the unveiling of a lot of things.

For now, it's Friday and she and Jesse are in his kitchen making brownies, impatiently waiting for Es to get home from school.

Jesse 'accidentally' smears cream cheese frosting (Es' favorite combination, and one that Rachel is learning to embrace) on Rachel's cheek, and is about to lick it off when the doorbell rings, signaling that Es is finally here.

"Hold that thought," he whispers quietly, kissing her on her clean cheek. It's been like this since the first night, obvious flirting with little to no payoff. There seems to be some unspoken rule between them that they are taking things as slow as humanly possible.

She's never really done that with him. Before, it had always been intense and rushed. She's more than enjoying this new dimension to their relationship.

Es bounces into the kitchen with her friend, Violet, making her way for the canister of frosting, and Rachel holds it over her head so she can't reach.

It occurs to her that in a couple of years, holding something over her head won't likely be an effective means of keeping things from Es.

Es is attempting to negotiate release of the canister while Violet giggles like a maniac, watching. Jesse enters the kitchen with a woman who Rachel can only assume is Violet's mother. She looks a bit frazzled and is dressed in mom jeans and a college t-shirt. Audrey and Jesse seem to be having an animated conversation until the woman spots Rachel laughing with the girls in the kitchen.

"Hi," the woman says, extending her hand, and Rachel can hear the surprise in her voice, "I'm Audrey, Violet's mom."

"This is Rachel," Es answers on Rachel's behalf, while making one final leap for the frosting. "She's my dad's friend from high school and she's famous and a Broadway star and she sings in Nancy Drew and she does concerts…"

Rachel is slightly embarrassed and is about to cut Es off, when Es turns to Violet and proclaims, "She's the one I told you about! I'm helping her decorate her apartment," she finishes proudly.

Rachel smiles at Audrey, "Rachel Berry. It's a pleasure to meet you."

"Audrey Taylor and likewise," Audrey responds, unconsciously trying to smooth back her hair from her forehead. "You have a bit of icing on your cheek," the older woman points out, gesturing to the corresponding spot on her own cheek.

"I wonder how that got there," Rachel jokes, shooting an obvious glare at Jesse, who has the common sense to look chagrined. He tosses her a dishrag to wipe off the frosting.

Rachel sees Audrey watching the exchange with interest and senses that there is more going on here.

"Audrey works from home too," Jesse explains, grabbing the brownies from the oven, "We switch off bus pick up duty during the week."

"That's great," Rachel replies awkwardly, not knowing what else to say.

The two women stand in uncomfortable silence while they watch Jesse put the brownies on a plate and get plastic knives for the girls.

"Let's take yours to go, Vi," Audrey says, grabbing the backpack her daughter had discarded on the floor.

"But why?" Violet whines, taking a gigantic bite of her brownie, "It's Friday. We always hang out on Fridays."

"We don't want to interrupt. It looks like Jesse and Es have company."

"Please don't leave on my account," Rachel states out of courtesy. "Definitely," Jesse adds, "Rachel's not company, believe me."

"Either way," Audrey replies, eyeing Rachel's skinny jeans and flowy tanktop, "We're both a mess, and we should be going. We'll see you tomorrow, Es. It was nice to meet you," Audrey finishes, addressing Rachel, who smiles.

The girls say a dramatic goodbye to each other and Jesse walks Vi and Audrey to the door.

When Jesse re-enters the kitchen, Es is reaching for her second brownie. "Only one constitutes a snack, young lady. Go and get in the shower. We're going to watch movies this afternoon."

"Rent?" Es asks Rachel excitedly, and then squeals when Rachel nods. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!"

Es runs off to prepare for her shower, and Jesse hits Rachel teasingly with the end of a dishtowel. "I'm holding you accountable if she has nightmares because Angel dies," Jesse states seriously, "It took her a year to get over the first five minutes of Finding Nemo."

Rachel shrugs, ignoring him in favor of something she would prefer to discuss. "Thanks for giving me a heads up about Audrey."

Jesse hears the sarcasm in her voice, and steps back, injured.

"I'm not sure what you're accusing me of, but I can assure you there is nothing going on between me and Audrey."

Rachel feels the truth in his words and the fight leaves her. "She likes you," she insists, stubbornly refusing to give up the point.

"I'm a likeable guy," he jokes, "But seriously, she has a crush, she always has. I'm not about to get involved with my daughter's best friend's mother." He grimaces, imagining it. "That can only end in disaster."

He sticks a finger in the frosting and brings a glob to her lips, then smears it around. "Anyway, I'm sort of looking to get involved with this famous Broadway star who sings in Nancy Drew and does concerts. Care to tell me what are my chances with that?"

"If you would stop mocking her, I would say your chances are pretty good."

He leans down to kiss her, and whether it's the frosting or simply her, they get lost in each other for a bit.

They are suddenly interrupted by Es, wrapped in a towel, who has come back to the kitchen to ask her dad whether her RENT t-shirt is in the wash.

Jesse and Rachel break away abruptly, but they've already been caught. They've been careful in front of Es, not wanting to confuse her, and not wanting to take a step they weren't ready for themselves.

They're not really sure which one is better to say first, that Rachel is her sister or her dad's girlfriend. An eight year old (or anyone) might have issues with those two categories overlapping.

It seems that fate has decided for them.

"You're not supposed to do that!" Es practically screams, running back to her room and slamming the door.

All the times Rachel has envisioned Es' reaction in the last couple of weeks, this was never it. She looks up at Jesse, heartbroken, and whispers to him that she's sorry. He sighs, tells her to wait in the kitchen, and makes his way to his daughter's room.

He knocks once on Es's door, tells her that he's coming in. She's lying on her bed, hugging one of her pillows. His eight-year-old daughter is throwing her first teenage tantrum. All of a sudden, he feels ancient.

"Okay drama queen," he starts, hitting her playfully with another pillow. "What was that outburst about? I really like Rachel and I kissed her. I thought you liked Rachel too."

"I love Rachel, but that's not how it's supposed to go!" Es complains. "You're supposed to like Audrey and Vi and I are supposed to be sisters. We have it all planned out!"

"I see," Jesse says slowly, "And how long has this been the plan?"

"Since summer. That way, I get a new mom _and _a sister. Rachel was supposed to help. She's good at picking out things, and she can help Audrey to look nice so that you'll get married."

Jesse chuckles at Es's simple logic, ponders where to go next. "I'm going to be honest with you, Es. Audrey and I are never going to get married."

"But," he pauses, "What if I could give you a real sister?"

"How?"

"Well, you know I'm not your real dad, right?" It had always been a necessary distinction, but he still feels a pain in his chest every time he admits it.

Es sniffles and nods, "But you're better because mommy chose you just for me."

"That's right. But I never told you that your mommy had another baby a long time ago and she chose two other dads to raise her, sort of like you, because they wanted a baby so much and she wanted to help them." He anxiously awaits her reaction after delivering the story that he and Rachel had agreed upon.

"So I have a sister?"

"You have an amazing sister who already loves you so much, and takes you shopping, and lets you watch RENT even though your dad says you're too young."

He sees Es' eyes light up in recognition and he swears it warms his soul.

"Rachel?"

Jesse nods, "We were going to tell you tomorrow."

"And," he continues, "I should have told you from the start that Rachel isn't only my friend. I've loved her since high school and now we're trying to make things work between us."

"Does she love you back?"

"I don't know, but I hope so."

Es squeals with excitement. "We can come up with a plan."

"No more plans!" Jesse chides her, ruffling her hair.

"Vi thinks that Rachel is too cool for you 'cause she's famous," Es explains, "But I think that she just wants to be sisters."

Jesse calls Rachel into the room and there are hugs and further explanations, because Es, understandably, has a lot of questions.

"Does this mean you're staying in California?" Es asks Rachel, after they've made plans to go out to dinner to celebrate.

"For now," Rachel says, squeezing Jesse's hand in reassurance. "I don't want to leave you guys."

"So what about Tyler?" Es asks, "You told him you weren't sure when you were going back to New York. I heard you on the phone in Bed, Bath, and Beyond."

"He's nobody important." Rachel assures her, but she does not meet Jesse's questioning eyes. "I'm not going anywhere."

After dinner and RENT, Jesse puts on a pot of coffee and waits for Rachel to join him after singing Es to sleep. She knows what conversation is coming. He'd been nice enough to not raise Tyler again in front of Es, but she knows that he has anything but forgotten about him.

She walks into the kitchen and is greeted with Jesse's sarcastic echo of her earlier statement, "Thanks for giving me the heads up about Tyler."

"Can we not ruin tonight?" Rachel pleads half-heartedly, knowing that it won't matter. "He really is not important."

Jesse refuses to give up. "Ex-boyfriend?"

"Fiance."

Jesse whips around to face her, neglecting the coffee machine. "Current?"

"He seems to think so," Rachel whispers, "But no."

"You are unbelievable," Jesse states accusingly. "I've been nothing but honest with you."

"You have," Rachel stresses, "And I can't tell you how much I appreciate that, how much I love you for it."

"Not enough to return the sentiment, obviously."

She walks up to him and grabs his arms when he tries to push her away, closing the gap until they are only inches apart.

"Do I look like a girl that lets her boyfriend beat her?" She whispers it, looking him dead in the eye, watches as he understands the meaning behind her words and his arms drop, taking her hands with them.

"I didn't think so either. But I did, for years. And I only left when I lost the baby I didn't even know I was carrying."

Jesse reaches up to caress her face, his thumb catching her tears before they are able to make much of an impact.

"So, I came here, because I need you and I need her."

"Rach…"

She turns away from him, wiping her tears herself with her arms, grabbing her keys off the counter and heading for the door.

"I don't want to talk about it anymore."

* * *

_**Next up: Lima comes to LA**_

Sorry that this story is now so rushed :(. If you haven't yet, check out my new chapter story Charades. I should have the new Campus Visit chapter up by the end of the weekend. Thanks for all the support, guys!


	5. Chapter 5

I.

It only takes Jesse about an hour to find a babysitter and race over to Rachel's apartment.

He's a nervous wreck. He's worried about her and it takes a while for him to realize it because the concept feels foreign to him. Rachel has always been strong, able to survive anything, even when she's been gotten over and over again. It's the quality he's always most admired about her. He is completely unable to rectify the vision of her he has always had with the battered woman she just revealed herself to be.

She has been expecting him, so he only says "Rach" into the intercom system before she's buzzing him into the building.

Her eyes are red when she answers the door and she goes readily into his embrace. He's relieved that she is being so accepting of his presence, but it's slightly unnerving because he expected hostility and not this naked vulnerability.

"I've never said it out loud before," she informs him quietly, "Even that night … not even Kurt knows."

They retreat to her couch where she fills him in on everything over a bottle of wine, one of her "coping mechanisms," she attempts to joke. He's quiet as she tells him the whole story. She had first met Tyler at an NYU party. She had seen him from across the room, obviously and unapologetically the most attractive guy there, and he had been interested in her right off the bat. Given her history, the fact that he had clearly wanted her had been intoxicating.

"After Finn, I was looking for something different," she clarifies, but she almost doesn't need to. Jesse feels like he knows her better than even she does, and he can not only understand her nineteen year old self's logic, but can sense the role he himself has played in her diminished self-confidence.

He doesn't exactly want to hear how the heated arguments had turned into shoves and slaps, eventually into bruises and, once, a sprained wrist, but he doesn't want to stop her either. He realizes that he's the only one that she's ever opened up to about this, and he can sense that it would be more detrimental to shut her down.

She intersperses the bad with a few examples of the good, including his dramatic apologies and their engagement, but she ultimately gets to what she refers to as _that night_, and she completely breaks down.

"He quit his bartending job and he must have been waiting for me to get home. I forgot to tell him that the cast was going out for a goodbye dinner, and he wasn't happy that I was late. We got into this huge argument because I told him that New York was full of restaurants and he would find another job. He took offense to it and he slapped me and slammed me against the brick wall in our bedroom."

Rachel sucks in a deep breath before she continues, and Jesse kisses the top of her head as he draws her closer. "He apologized, like he always did, and I really thought that everything was fine: I went to bed and he went back out. Later that night, I woke up and there was blood all over the sheets. I called Kurt and he took me to the hospital…"

"I had no idea," she sobs into his shirt, "I would never have…" She trails off before she says words that aren't really true, makes promises she wouldn't have kept, and he squeezes her hip, silently telling her that it's okay, that she's safe and she doesn't have to be brave.

"All I remember is being in the hospital and realizing that I could have had this family, and feeling relief that it wouldn't happen with him. It made me think about the last time that I considered having a family, with you and Es, and how much more I wanted that."

She covers her face in shame, because she feels like some sort of monster because of her relief at the death of her potential child.

"So you came here," he concludes softly, and it's the first time he's spoken in over an hour so his voice comes out almost as raspy as hers.

She nods. "The night that I left you, I thought of all the things that I wanted to do before I settled down: school, Broadway, Tony nominations, and here I was almost six years later, and I had all of that, and I still felt like half a person. I missed you. I wanted the life you promised me that night. I wanted a second chance."

He doesn't know what to say to her, so he settles for holding her as she cries. He's surprised when, about twenty minutes after she last spoke, she smiles up at him and tells him through teary eyes that she wants him to see the apartment.

Now that he's not so focused on her, he finally notices the panoply of colors in her combined living/dining room.

She holds his hand as she gives him the tour, walking him through the kitchen, the bathroom and, ultimately, her bedroom.

Her bedroom is weirdly familiar, the yellows and pinks she has chosen echoing what he remembers of her childhood room in Lima.

She waits for him to take it all in before asking: "What do you think?"

She's got a small smile on her face, and, after her emotional upheaval tonight, he doesn't want to take it away from her.

"It looks like my eight year old helped you decorate," he finally says, attempting to mirror her smile.

She frowns at his less than enthusiastic response, and he catches on quickly to her disappointment.

"I like it," he appeases her, "It's bright and happy."

She smiles genuinely and reaches up to kiss him, leading him slowly towards the bed.

He takes a few steps with her, but then refuses to budge. "Rach, we can't," he whispers, kissing her forehead with his eyes closed.

She looks confused and steps back to properly see his face. "Why not? It's been so long," she practically whines.

He chuckles. "It's only been two weeks," he corrects, and he almost can't believe that that is the excuse he's going with.

"It's been six years," she reminds him intently, "And I miss you …" She trails off in hopes of enticing him, but she can tell immediately that its not working.

He kisses the top of her head again, and she notes the lack of romance in the gesture.

"You know how I feel about you, Rachel. I just don't think that tonight is the night. It's been a long night, you're emotional, and I don't want you to regret this in the morning."

She nods slowly without looking at him, even though she can see right through his seemingly convincing reasoning.

"I don't want you to treat me any differently now that you know," she states, taking a step back and folding her arms. "I was playing one of the greatest role models ever for young girls and … it was a huge mistake, Jesse. It's not who I am."

"I know who you are, Rachel Berry," he reassures her, stepping towards her and running his hands through her hair, "And I'm just glad that you're here with me and safe. I want to kill him for doing that to you."

"You can't tell anyone," she says firmly and then turns away from him.

He frowns at her back, because it's not the response he was hoping for: something along the lines of a stern disapproval of Tyler's actions. She is obviously more concerned about someone finding out rather than realizing that this is continuing to affect her, whether or not people know about it.

When he comes out of his thoughts, she is pulling a sexy nightgown over her bare skin, in what he is sure is a last ditch effort to lure him into bed. Rachel Berry has always gone after exactly what she wants.

She turns back to him as she reaches for a brush to run through her hair. "Will you at least stay with me?"

He nods, but is quick to qualify. "I have to get home before Es wakes up."

II.

Rachel greets them at the door with a normal, bubbly smile, but it quickly fades when Es stomps through the door and throws herself on the sofa.

"We had sort of a rough day," Jesse explains as he kisses her on the cheek and hands her the plant they've brought as a housewarming present. "Neither Violet nor Audrey were too accepting of our relationship."

"Did Audrey say something to Es?" Rachel asks quietly, concern and anger battling within her.

"No. I gather that Violet was upset with Es because she messed with 'the plan' for me and Audrey to get married, and Audrey told me that she thinks that our relationship is unhealthy since you are Es's sister."

"Oh," Rachel says, "Did you explain our entire history to Audrey?"

"I started to, but I realized that I don't have to defend my relationship with you to her. My only concern is for the girls' friendship."

"Do you think that she would not let Vi see Es because she's upset that we're dating?"

Jesse sighs and glances over at his daughter, who has switched on the tv and is watching a show on the Disney Channel. "Probably," he admits. "But I can't tell her how to raise her kid. And if she's going to do this because I won't go out with her, then there really is nothing I can do. Unless you want me to go out with both of you."

"Ha, ha, ha," she mocks. "I just don't want to be the reason their friendship gets ruined."

"I know, but its not really up to us."

Jesse glances over at the table and notices that it is set for four. "Are we expecting someone else?"

"I invited Kurt," Rachel explains. "I want him to get to know you guys. I hope that's okay."

Rachel is still putting the finishing touches on dinner in the kitchen, so she tells Es to walk through the apartment so she can see the culmination of all their hard work in the past couple of weeks.

Es finally cracks a smile, and drags Jesse with her so that she can show him all the things that she selected for the apartment.

Just as she hears Jesse's laughter coming from somewhere within the bedroom, the doorbell rings and Kurt finally arrives.

He's not alone. Finn and Puck are standing behind him when Rachel opens the door, and her immediate response, rightly so, is panic.

"What are you doing here?" she stage whispers. "Kurt, they can't be here!"

Kurt looks reluctant for about a millisecond before he launches into an explanation that doesn't satisfy Rachel in the least.

By that time, however, Finn and Puck have pushed past where Kurt and Rachel stand arguing, and into the apartment. Puck seems to be looking for something, or someone, before his eyes finally focus on the television that is still tuned to the Disney Channel. Finn is surveying the apartment's view from near the couch, watching Kurt and Rachel bicker out of the corner of his eye.

Just then, Es comes skipping out of the bedroom, good mood restored at having her decorating skill on display, which was exactly what Rachel had been hoping for.

Rachel can't see Jesse's face, but she hears the moment he stops in his tracks, because she no longer hears his footsteps against the hardwood of the floors.

Rachel closes her eyes and stops mid-sentence in her reprimand of Kurt. No words will help. The shit is about to hit the fan.

She quickly attempts to take control of the situation. "You guys need to leave. Right now."

"All of you," she adds, sending a glare at Kurt.

"Hi Beth," Puck says in a soft voice, and Rachel thinks it's the most chilling thing she has heard since the doctor's voice that night so many months ago.

"It's Es," Es clarifies automatically, and Rachel can practically hear the roll of her eyes in her voice.

"Let's go," Jesse says sternly, grabbing Es by the shoulders and guiding her towards the door.

"Why?" Es whines, resisting Jesse as much as she can. "We're supposed to have dinner with Rachel!"

She shoots a desperate look at Rachel, but then seems to notice that all the adults in the room besides her dad and Puck have been rendered mute.

"I remember holding you the day you were born, Beth. You were so beautiful, and now you're so grown up." Puck is still speaking softly, but he might as well be shouting, everyone else is so quiet.

Es tries to turn her head to look at her father, but Jesse is focused only on getting them out of the room.

Rachel sneaks a look at Jesse's face, and she almost gasps aloud. She has never seen him look that broken or anguished before.

He, however, doesn't spare her one glance as he literally picks Es up and carries her out of Rachel's apartment, the door slamming loudly behind them.

* * *

_**Thank you for sticking with this story and sorry for the delay in posting! I do have the rest of the story planned out, so hopefully I can get the next chapter written soon. I just got internet back (yay!) so I am no longer relegated to coffee shops to write and post.**_ **_I tend to research as a I write, so internet is critical for getting stuff done._**

_**As always, I would love to know what you think!**_


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